An Avid Stargazer

21/07/2021

Gunting Kuku

"Apakah kamu memang selalu membawa gunting kuku?" Tanya seorang laki-laki yang duduk di sampingku.

Tiap orang punya benda yang dipusakakan oleh pikirannya sendiri. Ada yang berbentuk dan tidak. Bisa jadi benda tersebut ada di dalam hatinya, tertancap dalam melukai batinnya hingga terseok-seok ketika harus berlalu. Ada pula yang berbentuk sebuah bising yang menggema di dalam kepalanya, memecah khidmat dan mengeringkan kerongkongannya.

Gunting kuku adalah pusakaku. Kadang terbawa, kadang tersimpan rapih di dalam laci kamar kosku. Barang penuh khidmat yang mengheningkan gaung-gaung amarah dalam kepalaku.

"Bagaimana bisa jarimu sebegitu terluka? Apakah kamu tak tahu cara menggunakan gunting kuku?" Kembali dia bertanya, seakan hidupnya seperti hidupku.

Aku yang dulu gemar menulis cerpen jenaka, sudah tak pandai lagi memintal kisah-kisah indah. Aku yang dulu cakap memotret, sudah tak lagi memiliki fokus yang kokoh. Aku yang ingin menjadi bahagia, kini hanya menjadi aku yang berkelebat menghindari badai. Aku dan seluruh mimpi-mimpiku yang menjadi abu.

Lantas, ada apa dengan gunting kuku?

Gunting kuku yang berbicara padaku, yang memberi kepastian bahwa aku masih hidup dengan darah di lunula kuku. Membuatku lantas sadar harus memendam perih sendiri.

14/07/2021

An Avid Stargazer

It's 4:50 AM and my head went back to the day I started blogging–the final year of junior high school. I tried so hard to be cool so I ended up making blog posts on blogger. It has been on and off but I guess okay.

Sebelum memanjatkan puja dan puji syukur pada Tuhan Yang Maha Esa, sebaiknya saya sisipkan quote yang membuat saya berakhir disini.

Hidup yang tidak dikaji, tidak layak dihidupi
- Socrates

My life has been a legit immense joke for the last 8 years. I, somehow, moved to Yogyakarta with no plan and no money. And here is the fun part, I was just trying to run away from everything–friends, family, responsibility, pride, prejudice, everything. My goal was to secure myself and be happy. Now I ended up stuck between everything.

I had boyfriend and he banished me, like, completely, from his life. I had best friends and they threw me like garbage. My family saw me like I was a failure. My fellow in church bullied me like I was a joke. I feel useless, powerless, weak. Life sucked and I wanted to die.

Now back to the present tense, aku ingin cerita tentang 'an avid stargazer' and how I ended up using this name for my blog.

I used to be so in love with the dawn–those intense black marmalade sky with the stars scattered above, they were so pretty. But I was a mess (and I still am now), kinda dark and twisty at the same time, and since I knew it from the start, bagaimana bisa aku yang luluh lantak begin disandingkan dengan bintang-bintang yang terang? I could only look out to the sky and be a stargazer. That's how the 'An Avid Stargazer' born.

I only had few people around me, dan dari pengalaman aku belajar bahwa semua manusia adalah brengsek–datang sebutuhnya, pergi semaunya, tanpa terkecuali, akupun. I learn so hard that no matter how great you are as a person, as a human, we will be bended and broken.

Di Yogyakarta, I tend to be quiet and have a hard time making friends because I forgot how. I used to be so famous and welcoming. I guess it's because I was so traumatized I even hurt everyone who got too close to me.

(OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME BEING ANNOYING U KNO)

But my life, my life has been a roller coaster and things were not easy for me as a kid and people just wanna see the good side of the people and that's why I hate them. Because a broken vessel like me won't fit in. They made fun of me, they saw my problem not as big as theirs, they forced me to use their shoes but didn't even take a look at mine.

My life is never a problem. I am the problem–an avid stargazer.

26/01/2017

Pada akhirnya

Pada akhirnya, entah kapan itu,

kamu akan berhenti.

Rasa lelah yang kamu rasa akan menjalar hingga ke jantungmu,

menggerogoti seluruh sukmamu,

kemudian hatimu melebur menjadi abu.

Lalu apa yang tersisa?

Hanya aku yang terdiam di pojok,

sambil menunduk,

dan berharap kamu kembali.

"at once I knew, I was not magnificent."

04/10/2016

Until later, rainy night.

Sunday, October 2.

It's a good thing, to know, that you're not a part of today's society. They're just too awful, and heartless too. Everyone walks with their own ego and start ignoring their own circle. Actually, I hate to tell you the truth about this mass of emptiness called society. But you see, it's just me trying to help myself with my own writing and hope you guys read my thought.

I was sitting in a (let's just call it) bar-chair alone, mingling with my own demon, expecting things to happen so soon. And then, soon enough after I watched the rain pouring down, I started to think about the life itself; a game of living as a human-being, a person who are about to face a true disaster of their own journey. I was thinking about me, stranded somewhere with no one I didn't even know, and how I could save myself in those kind of circumstances; how to get a life.

The rain stopped pouring when my coffee was finally arrive, and there was me, still sitting next to no one, trying to ignore everything around me completely, and started to think about the future. For me, the afterlife was really not existed. It was just a thought of human who was so desperate of not having a worth-living life. I was drowning too deep with my own thought and I was so in love with it; the idea of a catastrophe that is about to come. So I chose to runaway somewhere I didn't even knew, just to make sure that I was okay.

So yea, let's have a good coffee and a deep talk until the sun rises again, shall we?

14/09/2016

Bali, August 2016

Last August I spent the whole month traveling alone to Bali, wishing I could just found myself once more. Things were not doing good these whole three months. I was drowning with my own thoughts and I was feeling neglected. But yes, life must go on, so I chose to move on.

Well, actually all I want to do is post some picture I took while I was there. So, enjoy.