An Avid Stargazer

It's 4:50 AM and my head went back to the day I started blogging–the final year of junior high school. I tried so hard to be cool so I ended up making blog posts on blogger. It has been on and off but I guess okay.

Sebelum memanjatkan puja dan puji syukur pada Tuhan Yang Maha Esa, sebaiknya saya sisipkan quote yang membuat saya berakhir disini.

Hidup yang tidak dikaji, tidak layak dihidupi 

- Socrates

My life has been a legit immense joke for the last 8 years. I, somehow, moved to Yogyakarta with no plan and no money. And here is the fun part, I was just trying to run away from everything–friends, family, responsibility, pride, prejudice, everything. My goal was to secure myself and be happy. Now I ended up stuck between everything.

I had boyfriend and he banished me, like, completely, from his life. I had best friends and they threw me like garbage. My family saw me like I was a failure. My fellow in church bullied me like I was a joke. I feel useless, powerless, weak. Life sucked and I wanted to die.

Now back to the present tense, aku ingin cerita tentang 'an avid stargazer' and how I ended up using this name for my blog.

I used to be so in love with the dawn–those intense black marmalade sky with the stars scattered above, they were so pretty. But I was a mess (and I still am now), kinda dark and twisty at the same time, and since I knew it from the start, bagaimana bisa aku yang luluh lantak begin disandingkan dengan bintang-bintang yang terang? I could only look out to the sky and be a stargazer. That's how the 'An Avid Stargazer' born.

I only had few people around me, dan dari pengalaman aku belajar bahwa semua manusia adalah brengsek–datang sebutuhnya, pergi semaunya, tanpa terkecuali, akupun. I learn so hard that no matter how great you are as a person, as a human, we will be bended and broken.

Di Yogyakarta, I tend to be quiet and have a hard time making friends because I forgot how. I used to be so famous and welcoming. I guess it's because I was so traumatized I even hurt everyone who got too close to me.

(OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME BEING ANNOYING U KNO)

But my life, my life has been a roller coaster and things were not easy for me as a kid and people just wanna see the good side of the people and that's why I hate them. Because a broken vessel like me won't fit in. They made fun of me, they saw my problem not as big as theirs, they forced me to use their shoes but didn't even take a look at mine. 

My life is never a problem. I am the problem–an avid stargazer.